Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
