I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
