The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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