You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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