I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
