Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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