There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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