They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
