this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
