i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
