remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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