I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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