I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
