I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
