I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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