I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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