I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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