This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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