Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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