Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My vagina just clenched in fear
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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