apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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