i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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