Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
