The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
