Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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