I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
