Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
