My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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