puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
