our cab driver is having phone sex.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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