it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
