college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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