The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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