Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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