I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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