wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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