he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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