the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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