he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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