maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
