I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
