I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
