I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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