Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
