singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Say something about gay babies.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
