i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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