this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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