They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
