I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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