Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
