If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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