no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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