My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
