And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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