cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
