i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
