I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
