if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
