this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
